Goodbye Lola
"Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it’s too late to hold you
Cause you’ve flown away
So far away…" - One Sweet Day (Mariah Carey + Boyz II Men)
Last Sunday (April 6) my beloved Lola Pacing passed away. She was 88. I can strongly agree that she has lived a very fruitful and meaningful life. Ever since I saw her showing signs of mental lapses, I had already resigned myself to the hard truth that she won’t be with us for long. At Lola’s age of 88, I know that soon, God will send the angels to give Lola her own wings. What I can’t accept is that Lola passed away without any of us by her bedside. I can’t accept the fact that I wasn’t able to say my last goodbyes to Lola. I can’t accept the fact that I wasn’t able to hold her hand and kiss her when she was still warm and breathing. I can’t accept that I wasn’t able to say all that I wanted and needed to say when Lola was still alive.
Lola, I know you are now in God’s care. I also know you can no longer read this blog entry. Nonetheless, through this post, allow me to tell you those things that I should have told you when you were still alive.
Lola, thank you for E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. When I was still a baby, thank you for waking up late at night to comfort me when I was crying my lungs out. Thank you for painstakingly preparing my baon each day when I was still in prep and elementary. Thank you for being a very patient tutor during my student years. Thank you for defending me and making "sugod" to my classmates who bullied me when I was still a helpless sickly kid back in elementary. Thank you for staying up late at night just to help me finish my crochet and sewing projects. Thank you for all your sacrifices, for choosing to stay here in Manila to take care of me, instead of spending a better life in the US. Thank you for being open-minded and for being supportive when I was still in that "lovestruck" phase. Thank you for being a wonderful grandmother, a second mother, a very good "lawyer", a confidant, a teacher, a friend. Thank you for all the memories.
Lola, please forgive me for those moments when I thought you were just being "makulit". My heartfelt apologies for those times when I answered you back, thinking I was already old enough to make my own decisions and handle matters by myself. Forgive me for those instances when I thought that your opinions and advice were old-fashioned and outdated. Lola, forgive me for all the headaches and heartaches I gave you when you were still alive.
Lola, if only I could ask God to bring you back to life even for just 5 minutes. I would tell you how thankful I am for having you as my grandmother - that even a million thank you’s wouldn’t be enough for all your sacrifices. That if my life would start all over again, I would request fate to send you again to be my grandmother. That I wouldn’t be who I am today, if not for your patience, your kindness, and your love. Lola, I love you very very very very much. I will always remember you until my last breath. And I hope that when it is my time to leave this world, you will still be there on the other side, ready to meet me with your loving smile and with open arms.
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